here we are two months later...

well, i guess.... so far, not so good. I did manage to eat paleo for most of the moth of january. and it wasn't too hard at the start, but it got really hard to juggle the food, the activities, and i didn't see the results that I was expecting to see. so here I am back where i started.

Nothing has changed with work, and nothing will change. Baseball season will start and we'll have 5 teams to contend with. This likely means that we will have baseball for someone every single day of the week, which means that Rich will run around to one practice or another, and I'll drag the baby to someone else's stuff.

I'll still be trying to get in all the hours at work that I can, which still won't be enough because I haven't made any progress on the projects that I own. i shouldn't even be going to the trainer for the 1 hour twice a week that I am because i am not technically getting in the 40 hours that I should.

I've mentioned that I need to do stuff on weekends, but that never really happens. the boys want to do stuff, rich needs to get stuff done, the baby needs to be watched.

and really, these are all excuses... i want someone to want to put me first, i want to feel like I'm worth it. and I don't. I want Rich to feel proud of me, I want him to think i'm beautiful... to look at me across a room and just be in love. and I know that he loves me, but just once in a while, i want to feel special. i want comments about how i look nice when i actually put in an effort. i don't want to have to ask for it, i don't want to have to ask for the time for me.

and i know that no one else is going to put me first unless i do. but how do i put everyone else first as well as myself?

I keep going back to the biggest loser's no excuses theme... i know these are excuses and i don't know how to change it. and honestly... why am i not doing something right now? i could be doing something active right now. and i'm not, i'm sitting on the couch drinking wine.

i just don't know what to do anymore... so things will just keep going as they are.

Day one down...

Well, last day at home on 'vacation', that wasn't really a vacation since I had all the kids for the week. I love them all to death, but sometime I would really just love a break. The baby is so good most of the time, but she has just started getting way more whiny and much more of a challenge. I am really looking forward to bringing her back to daycare tomorrow.

I did manage to eat paleo all day, but I could really use a glass of wine right about now. I didn't really get any time for me... hmmm, so why the name of the blog right? I really don't anticipate getting much more time for me, but I'm trying to do the eating correctly. I made crock pot paleo chili which I did manage to make all of the boys eat. I had a good breakfast and lunch today... but really, the drinking part is the hardest.

I have had two cups of green tea and water today. I usually have soda, which this change will be good for me, and it was fairly hard to avoid that today.

tomorrow brings its own challenges with it... can I get to the gym? Do I let Rich get the kids? What do I make for dinner? lunch? or even snacks?

sigh.....

the year of me

So.... I'm not planning on telling my friends or family about this blog....

This blog is mostly for me... a place for me to put myself first and to share my thoughts about trying to put myself first.

As a working mom to 4 kids, and a wife to an athlete, I really don't get much time for myself. I am also an athlete and know that if I don't exercise in some way, I get overweight.

And this is where I am today... overweight, unhappy with how I look, and incredibly busy trying to put in all my hours at work and support my kids in all that they do.

I love my family to death and usually put them first in most anything.... but i also know that if I want to be happy with myself I need to make time for me... which i just don't know how to do. I don't want to take time away from my husband or kids... i will always choose to give htem what they want or need over what I want or need, but I also know that i need to be good to myself...

can anyone say catch 22?

So, this blog will be about how I try to put myself first in the midst of a very busy home life. Mostly I really just expect this to be a place for me to say the things that I wouldn't say outloud in real life.m

If someone actually finds this blog, congrats!